The Watch Raw Talent OnlineBaffler , March 29, 2019

Fresh Hell

The best dispatches from our grim new reality Jason Arias

In Justice We Trust; All Others Eat Shit

Back in 2016, a San Antonio police officer was biking through the community as part of his sworn mission to protect and serve when he attempted to feed a homeless man a dog shit sandwich—a casual for-shits-and-giggles prank gone awry that eventually led to his dismissal. Fortunately, justice was served this week when Matthew Luckhurst won an appeal against the rather egregious punishment. Although he hasn’t yet been reinstated, Luckhurst continues working to clear his good name, appealing another shit-related suspension having to with that one time he boasted about leaving a honker of a mess in the ladies’ restroom.

Such Great Heights

A Verizon worker who regularly braves dizzying heights to ensure Americans are able to stare ceaselessly into the content-trash streams of their phones has been suspended without pay for having the gall to . . . rescue a cat stuck on a telephone pole using Verizon equipment. For shame!

Rich San Franciscans, Unite!

An intrepid group of monied San Franciscans have banded together to ward off an approaching evil, a clear and direct threat to their peaceful, not-at-all-vile way of life: a homeless shelter providing a mere two hundred beds in the face of more than seven thousand homeless residents. Fearing the unwashed may pose a threat to their skyrocketing property values and their Sunday strolls to prix fixe brunch, a GoFundMe was launched to raise the necessary funds to wage a legal battle against the so-called “philanthropic endeavor.” It has raised $64,000 of it’s $100,000 goal.

Unhoused and Undeserving

Thankfully, it’s an easy task to launch a PR-offensive against that no-good, idle demographic of the homeless. It’s not like any of these tent-dwelling cretins are working full-time jobs, or human beings worthy of shelter regardless of whether they’re generating profit a multinational corporation.

The Bad Future, Today!

In a rapidly gentrifying neighborhood of Brooklyn, the hell-future of a seamless surveillance state looms. The management company that owns Atlantic Plaza Towers, a rent-stabilized complex of seven hundred units, has indicated its intent to install facial recognition on the property from StoneLock, which offers the joy of “frictionless” entry once tenants and visitors agree to offer up a glut of biometric data based on facial features from all who dare enter. Cool!

Uncle Sam’s Dick Pics

Grindr—the sea of cropped torsos upon which many a horned-up homosexual has sought love—is owned by a Chinese gaming company, Beijing Kunlun Tech Co Limited. This apparently constitutes a “national security risk,” according to the Committee on Foreign Investment in the United States, which is urging the company to relinquish its grasp on the hookup app . . . for fear that the Chinese will do dangerous things with the trove of pixelated dick pics. Boy, it sure is fun how ol’ Uncle Sam takes an interest the ostensible wellbeing of the gays exclusively when it serves his interest!

The Ghosts of Market Basket

Fearless journalists in the town of Wilmington, Massachusetts, have stumbled a truly chilling tale: the local Market Basket is most definitely haunted.